雙語閱讀：情感專家告訴你 如何“科學地”說分手
Tell the truth — but don’t be cruel
If you’re ending a relationship, you owe it to the other person to explain why, says Rachel Sussman, a New York City psychotherapist and author of?The Breakup Bible. “The people that I see who have the hardest time after a breakup, it’s because they don’t understand,” Sussman says. Ideally, your reason shouldn’t shock the other person, because you’ve discussed it in the past and tried to work through it, Sussman adds.
如果你想結束一段戀情，你應該給對方一個解釋。來自紐約的心理治療師、《分手聖經》的作者瑞秋·蘇斯曼說道：“在我看來，人們在分手後最大的痛苦在於他們想不明白爲什麼分手。理論上，提出分手一方的理由不該使對方感到震驚，因爲在決定分手前你們應該爲此爭執過，並且想過要去修復。”
Guy Winch, a New York City psychologist and author of?How to Fix a Broken Heart, agrees that you should give a reason, but stresses that a breakup isn’t license to unload all of your pent-up complaints and snide comments — even if the other person says they want to hear them. “Find the one thing, because that might be useful for them [to know],” he says. Listing every last annoyance isn’t productive and will only drag out what’s likely to be a painful conversation.
同樣來自紐約的心理治療師、《如何修復破碎的心》的作者蓋·衛恩齊也同意蘇斯曼的這一觀點，並強調分手的重點不是釋放你一直壓抑着的怨言和盡情地諷刺對方，哪怕對方表示會接受你的“發泄”。“找出一件能夠使對方理解的、具體的事兒來說明白。”無休止的抱怨毫無益處，反而會使痛苦的交談沒完沒了。
It’s also important to choose your words carefully, the experts agree. “Phrase something as, ‘This bothers me,’ or ‘This really was difficult for me,'” instead of blaming the other person, Winch says. What you feel is terrible isn’t always objectively terrible, he says — just bad for you.
專家們還認爲，謹慎措辭也很重要。衛恩齊說，不要只是責備對方，可以試着這樣說：“這讓我困擾”或“這對我來說真的很難”。你感覺很糟糕的事兒並不一定很糟糕，可能只是你的感覺而已。
Finally, resist the urge to soften the blow with platitudes. Saying, “‘We can be friends,’ or ‘Now’s not a good time for me,’ all sound like, well, maybe in the future” things could work out, Winch says. Don’t imply that’s the case if it’s not.
最後，抑制住說善意謊言的衝動。衛恩齊說，別試圖用“我們以後還可以做朋友”或者“目前我的狀態不適合談戀愛”這種話來給對方無謂的希望。如果以後再無可能，就不要給對方任何暗示。
Do it face-to-face
面對面，說清楚
Both Winch and Sussman say in-person breakups are the most considerate and mature option for established couples, and should preferably happen in a private place. “If it’s in public, they might be distraught, and then they have to somehow get home, which is horrible,” Winch says. The best place to do it is in their home, not yours, he adds, so you can leave if the situation gets too drawn out, and so that they’re in a familiar place.
衛恩齊和蘇斯曼都提到，對於已經確立關係的伴侶來說，私下、面對面談分手是最體貼和成熟的方式。衛恩齊說：“如果在公衆場合，被甩的一方情緒會比較容易失控，這種情況下再獨自回家是比較危險的。”談這類問題最好的地方就是在對方家裡，而不是你的家裡，這樣如果談得不太順暢你可以離開，而對方也是在自己熟悉的地方。”
That said, there are a few exceptions to the face-to-face rule, Winch says. Most importantly, if you fear for your safety in any way, you should keep your distance. Aside from that, a phone-based breakup may be okay if you’re dating long-distance, or if you’ve only seen each other a few times. For very new dating situations that have only lasted a date or two, you can even get away with a text.
衛恩齊說，不過“面對面”原則也有幾種例外的情況。最重要的是，如果你擔心自身的安全，你還是應該與對方保持距離。除此以外，如果是異地戀，或者彼此只見過幾面，電話分手也是可行的。如果只是剛剛開始的戀情、只見過一兩次面，那麼短信分手也不是不可以。
But even if you’ve only been on one date, Winch says it’s always better to be upfront, rather than ghosting. He even recommends writing out a boilerplate message — something along the lines of, “Thank you, it was fun, but I didn’t feel a romantic connection” — and keeping it on hand for those situations.
但是，哪怕你們只約會過一次，給對方一個交代比玩“消失”要好得多，衛恩齊說道，哪怕只是寫一些類似“謝謝你，和你一起挺開心的，不過還是沒什麼心動的感覺”之類的客套話。